When I'm counseling couples, I've noticed a pattern: if I ask a broad question like 'How are you doing?' or 'How was the week?' the husband always looks at the wife to see what she's going to say. So it's like men sort of expect that women are the ones who are taking the temperature in the relationship." (p45)

contemporary parents are less authoritarian and more egalitarian with their children. 'Parents your age like to reason with their kids, like they're little adults with rational minds,' my mother says, rolling her eyes. 'No one wants to be the bad guy.'" (p170)I was 50% of the problem," says Dunn, adding that she developed a temper that "still causes me a lot of shame". She would yell at her husband; he would retreat into his phone, "traumatised", which made her angrier. Frustrated and finding that attempts at communication only seemed to lead to fighting, she considered separation. A note: Her how-to is primarily for heterosexual couples—there is a larger body of research on heterosexual couples than there is for same-sex couples, and hetero couples have all the aforementioned gender-role programming to deal with—but the book is pretty helpful for anyone at all who’s ever resented their partner after having a baby. Life is unpredictably short, and you and the person you have chosen to be with for the rest of your life are arguing about housework. It's not worth it." Let’s get real: couples can start getting lazy initiating sex. Who here hasn’t tried to initiate… Read more 5. Learn to fight fair. The myriad stresses of caregiving, including the way in which it often reinforces traditional gender roles, aren't the only challenges for couples who have a child. The birth of a baby also often brings on an identity shift for each parent individually as well as together, which can pose significant challenges.

A friend of mine recently said, about her husband and new baby girl, “He would take a bullet for this kid, but he might forget to put a hat on her.” Remember that social pipeline of information? He doesn’t have it, and if you don’t let him learn, you’re engaging in “maternal gatekeeping,” or keeping him from participating in the nitty-gritty of childcare. But throughout that trajectory, satisfaction is lower for parents than for non-parents. Meanwhile, the more children a couple has, the less likely they are to feel satisfied with their relationship. Mothers of infants particularly are the least happy: 38% of married mums have high satisfaction, compared to 62% of married women without children. A simple takeaway is for husbands to drop the word “Later” from their vocabulary. Instead, replace it with the time by which you will have something done. I told [our therapist], honestly, I see him as another person that needs something from me," says Holly. The therapist encouraged her to see him as her partner, instead. "That mindset shift for me has been a huge thing. We still have our little tiffs, but I feel like they’re way less explosive than they used to be. And I feel like when we do get angry with each other, we actually discuss it now." When Matt, in Michigan, became a father, the postpartum period was more difficult than he ever had imagined. His wife had a traumatic birth; then his son had allergies and feeding issues. And neither he nor his wife had much nearby support.If there's maybe one book to gift a mum-to-be I'd recommend How Not To Hate Husband After Kids. London Mums Some couples can't recover from these conflicts, and find themselves splitting up ­– even when they've put in a lot of effort to salvage their relationships. Yet not all couples who have seen their marriages affected after having children are primed for permanent conflict or divorce.