The 69 best dick jokes: Funny joke book

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Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely. We got a dog, and it was my turn to take the dog out,” he begins. “And as I was taking it out, my wife said: ‘Don’t forget poo bags.’ Now, if you were speaking proper English, you’d say ‘don’t forget the poo bags’ – but she dropped the ‘the’. It’ll be as many one-liners, willy jokes and puns as I can cram into two hours! I try to make it as relentless as possible.”

What did the writer say to his pen? “Don’t be silly, wrap your ink, Willy! We don’t want any smudged words!” What's the last thing a woman wants to hear while blowing w**... Nelson? I'm not really w**... Nelson.

Man extradited from Northern Ireland over charges including human trafficking

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at the World Cup – just happy to be there.” – Russell Howard If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it’s clear why everyone calls me handsome. A scene of the crucifixion of Jesus comes on. He’s screaming in agony as a Roman centurion hammers away at his wrists. The Roman stops, turns to the camera, smiles, and says, “You always know you’re doing the job right when you use Johnson nails!” Why did the pilot disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the protection of his flight suit!

I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. He needs to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, could you please cash this cheque for me?" They say one in ten people want a sex toy for Christmas, and that’s a lie, isn’t it? You open presents in front of your family! Who’s there going, ‘What have you got, Nan? A b**t plug? Same here!” – Russell HowardWhy did the photographer disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in capturing moments, not covering lenses! Why did the bee ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in natural pollination! A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, "Do you want an aquarium?" The guy responds, "I don't care what star sign it is!" Without a moment’s hesitation, the Scotsman sacrifices himself, shouting “For Scotland!” as he jumps out of the plane. The Welshman follows suit, shouting “For Wales!” as he jumps. It goes without saying that the following contains some strong language, and very adult humour) Some fruity lines from rude comedians:

Why did the mechanic ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of a well-oiled engine! What did the astronaut say to his space shuttle? “Don’t be silly, wrap your boosters, Willy! We don’t want any misfires!”I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin. The jokes weren’t that good, but I liked the execution. I have an addiction to making references to random Bruce Willis movie titles. People have tried to help me stop but you know what they say. Old habits... Pulp Fiction

The cashier replies: “That will do just fine good sir, will that be large or small notes?” 6. Parachutes Why did the construction worker ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in hard hat protection!What did the cowboy say when someone questioned his decision not to wrap his willy? “Don’t worry, partner. My horse keeps the snakes away!” From what I understand about child birth, it changes you ‘downstairs’. I like my downstairs the way it is thank you very much. I certainly don’t need an extension.” – Sarah Millican Why did the basketball player disregard the slogan “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in dribble protection! Why did the basketball player ignore the advice to “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy”? Because he believed in the power of his slam dunk!